How Can I Help? Simple Solutions to Marital Problems

Most people desire to have positive and harmonious relationships. On a daily basis we interact with many people and are dependent on each other for the fulfilment of our needs and wants. The relationship that will need the most work to maintain however, is marriage. When you know the nature of your partner and the principles for happy relationships, then you are more likely to build and nurture a successful marriage. However, that does not mean it is always going to be happy. It is likely that there will be difficult times and likely that couples will face problems in their marriage. So, it is good to find out what the common problems are as well as the warning signs that the relationship is in need of mending.

Forgetting the good times and consistently making the focus what you dislike is a common problem that spells a relationship breakdown. When you are unhappy it can be difficult to remember what it was like to be in love or to like each other. It is important to reminisce about the good times and to focus on what you like about your partner, and to overlook what you dislike.  Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said:

A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another (Muslim). 

Recall what you like about your partner the next time you feel unhappy with them. Everybody has good traits and bad traits, nobody is perfect. As long as you can list the good times and reminisce about love and laughter, then you can overcome the present unhappiness. 

Most people are selfish to some extent, but when it comes at the price of a happy relationship, then it becomes a problem. There are three words that you can say every day that will improve the relationship. Can you guess what it is? It is not I love you, although that is also important.  Whenever your partner is working on something, make it a point to ask, ‘Can I help?’ It’s that simple. People often assume that their spouse will automatically know what they need, but you have to say it. It’s hard to feel resentful towards the other if you start the conversation with those words.

The Prophet Muhammad used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer, he would go for it.” (Bukhari).

He was sent by Allah as the shining example for all humanity, and yet at home he sewed his own clothes and mended his sandals. Another common warning sign is when one partner is looking to change the other in a significant way. A relationship in which one or both of the members are seeking to change something fundamental about the other person leads to problems. Before getting married and beginning the relationship, each person has their own friends, relatives, habits and preferences as an individual on their own. Those habits and connections still remain after marriage. The couple in the marriage have to accept and be tolerant, otherwise they will ruin the relationship and destroy the marriage.  

One day the prophet told Aisha that eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands. All the women spoke honestly of their husbands and the final one, the eleventh one, had the most to say:

My husband is Abu Zar` and who is Abu Zar` meaning what should I say about him? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (meaning she has plenty to eat). He has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself…Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill

 As long as there is no abuse, and spouses still have feelings for each other, just about any relationship can be saved with a few simple tips that re-establishing positive communication patterns. However these things take work, from both sides. 

Marriage is a blessing from Allah, and your love for one another comes from Allah, so cherish it. 

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